Summer Movie Comparison Chart 2003
| Category | Cremaster 1+2 |
X-Men 2 |
A Mighty Wind |
The Matrix: Reloaded |
The Italian Job (2003) |
28 Days Later |
Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle |
Terminator 3 |
The Hulk |
Paris Hilton Sex Tape 16 |
| Running Time | 119 min | 134 min | 87 min | 138 min | 104 min | 108 min | 110 min | 108 min | 138 min | 2mins 56 sec14 |
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| Mutant Power | Making chorus girls match the shape formed by grapes controlled by mind | Killing people with little balls of metal controlled by the mind | Human beings are just color vibrating in the 49th dimension(1) | He can fly! (2) | The ability to predict the future with eerie accuracy (11) | RAGE | Crispin Glover and EVERYTHING THE FUCK ABOUT HIM | spontaneously growing breasts | There’s no special powers in this movie whatsoever. It’s all CGI, dude. | Green glowing skin and iridescent eyes |
| Molten Substance | Vaseline | Adamantium | Candle that symbolizes a penis | That blonde chick’s vagina | Explosive Paint(3) | Pepsi | Cow goo | T-X’s melty metal skin | Jennifer Connelly’s liquid gaze | Your brain running out of your ears |
| Dialogue | Some bullshit about “hives” and drones. | “Kill all the humans!” | “Crabbeville in Autumn must be spectacular!” | “You never really know somebody until you fight them!” | “I’ll have to do it by touch”(4) | “I promised them women!”(10) | “You were the cock? I was the beaver!” | “Talk to the hand!” | “He saved my life.” “Yeah, from a mutant French poodle.” | “Fuck your phone!” |
| Fetish Outfits | Corsets | Rubber suits | Sweater Vests | Monica Belluci’s rubber dress | CATV repairman unis, w/nametags | Nudist Hospital | Nun’s habits | Red Leather | Tanks(12) | Lovely shade of green skin |
| Crew Member | Buffalo Wrangler | Stamos Wrangler | Model Train Wrangler | Pixel Wrangler | Mini Cooper Wrangler | Pepsi Wrangler | Glover Wrangler | Austrian Accent Wrangler | Nanomed Wrangler | Dignity Wrangler |
| Awkward Romantic Moment | Weird Bee Sex | Wolverine touching Stryker through the ice | Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara kissing | Keanu sticking his hand way up inside Trinity | Marky Mark and Mos Def express their love for one another | Impending Gang Rape of 12 Year old(5) | Drew Barrymore locks lips with Crispin Glover. Then he rips out her hair and squeals. | T-X’s digital orgasm when she tastes John Connor’s blood on a gauze pad at the vet’s after he drained a bottle of veterinary medicine meant to sterilize animals. | Nick Nolte, with a knife, under the table | Hilton’s beau baby-talking her: “come over here so you can see what I see” |
| Prosthesis | Scary genital ones | Blue bumps on Mystique | Eugene Levy’s wig | Those little metal nubbins all over everyone | Seth Green’s Laptop | Valium | Demi Moore’s entire body | The pig valve in Arnold’s heart | Sam Elliott’s perfect little toothbrush mustache | Probably breasts |
| Ugly Face | French Bulldog | Nightcrawler | Ed Begley Jr. | The Merovingian | Skinny Pete | Pepsi | Those Freaky Olsen Twins | T-1 | Teenage(13) mutant ninja poodle | tk |
| Audience Refrain | “Is that Norman Mailer?” | “Ze girls are Byootiful!”(6) | “Wha Happened?” | Derisive laughter following each line of dialogue | “Marky Mark - a boring Matt Damon?”(7) | “At least we have Pepsi.” | “John Cleese is Lucy Liu’s father? Why, was Jackie Chan busy?” | “Where’s Jordan Catalano when you need him?” | “You won’t like me when I’m Ang Lee.” | “Wow, she’s much hotter green.” |
| Cool Vehicles | Monster Trucks(8) | X-men plane | Model trains | Ducati Motorcycle | Mini Cooper! | Pepsi | Lucy Liu on a luge! | A speeding crane | The Hulk doesn’t drive! He does take a ride into thin air on a plane & freezes his face. | the bed? I don’t know. |
| Assrodeo? | And how! | no | no | no(9) | no | no | just ass | no | no | no15 |
| Annotations! |
(1) What could be simpler than that? (2) He also knows kung-fu. Apparently because his body is controlled by his mind. And the laws of physics as well. Also controlled by the mind. (3) Really. I was so happy when I heard. (4) Uttered by the very sexy Charlize Theron, thus automatically rendering it dirty. Because a sexy woman just can’t say something like that without it being dirty. Heck, an unsexy woman can’t say something like that without it being dirty. (5)Followed closely by the post-eyegouging, face sucking make-out session between the two leads. (6) “I am beeyootiful!” (7) Full transcription: P: So what, Marky Mark… a boring Matt Damon? H: Matt Damon is a boring Matt Damon. P: Yes, but Marky Mark is even more boring. H: It makes him more real. (8) Sadly, never driven in the movie. I believe it was Chekov who stated that if a dramatist were to show a monster truck in the first act of a film, in the second act, that monster truck better crush some fucking cars or pop some fucking wheelies. (9) Almost; not sublime enough. (10) Also: “They’ve been infected…with RAGE!” (11) On the part of the audience. (12) As in, the Hulk makes some soldiers wear a tank (13) Don’t forget, we’re talking dog years. This is a very old ugly dog …that wants to kill you. (14) Out of an alledged 45 minutes (15) It’s not that naughty (16) You can find the link to it there. Not work safe, of course, and who knows how long it will be operational |
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