| Title/Category | Underdog | Tekkon Kinkreet | Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix | Live Free or Die Hard | Sunshine | One to Another (Chacun sa nuit) | Joshua | Black Sheep | Sicko | 1408 | The Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End | Nancy Drew | F4: Rise of the Silver Surfer | Fido | La Vie En Rose (La M?me) | Day Watch | Knocked Up | 28 Weeks Later | Brand Upon the Brain! | Zoo | Spider-man 3 |
| Running Time (approx.) | 84 min | 100 min | 138 min | 130 min | 108 min | 95 min | 105 min | 87 min | 113 min | 94 min | 168 min | 99 min | 92 min | 91 min | 140 min | 132 min | 129 min | 99 min | 95 min | 80 min | 140 min |
| Misunderstood Subculture | Dwarf Evil Geniuses | Feral Orphans | Emo (wizards) | State Department Renegades | Science jocks | French Dad-Rocker Sister-Fuckers | Hedge Fund Jackasses | Hippie Vegan Aromatherapy Meditators | Congressmen who love their mothers more than anyone else loves their mothers | Writers | Pirates. ARRR! | Strange Caretakers | Alien Heralds | MILFs | Self-destructive prodigies | Great Dark Others | Pot-smoking slackers | The Army | Mothers | Horse fuckers | Emo |
| Plot-Advancing Beverage | There is probably a reference to drinking out of a toilet, because dogs commonly do that and it’s funny | Whiskey, taken without opening the bottle (forcibly) | Veritaserum | Bruce Willis drops a freeway ramp on a jet fighter | Icy cold vacuum | Potentially incriminating semen | Tampered Simulac | Liquid to reverse were-sheepery | 5? Albuterol | $800 Scotch | Empire-building tea | Denied latte | The power cosmic | Flirtatious gardenhose spray | Neck morphine | CGI Blood droplet | Reach-around Coronas | Reconciliation Saliva | Nectarite Jolt | Hillbilly Rum Slushies | Engagement Ring Cliquot |
| Is there a Pathetic Child? | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes (watch her grow!) | Yes | Yes | Yes | Yes (multiple) | Yes | Yes |
| Describe the Pathetic Outfit of the Pathetic Child | Stupid doggie clothes | Various animal-headed hoodies | CGI retard ogre smock | A beard | two tiny, frail green leaves | Sweater vest, overalls | Mini Alex P. Keaton wardrobe | Biohazard jar | Denver Broncos gear | Faxed camisole | Prison rags + noose | New Jersey meathead regalia | London tourist summer dress | Matt Damon sweater vest ensembles | Salve-covering eye bandage | Weird Euro-child Tuxedo | Paul Rudd Costume | Adidas | White orphan smocks | Tie-dyed t-shirt with space shuttle blasting off | 1940s Okie |
| “I’ve done horrible things” | Mistook proscuitto for a bomb | Turned partner over to cops for his own protection | Protected chav from demons with forbidden spell | Die Hards 2& 3 | Nuked the sun | Failed to sleep with gypsies in order to get clues | Gave toys to the poor | Lit sheep on fire (multiple) | Recorded an L.P. decrying “socialized” medicine 5 | Hugged daughter’s corpse to death | Broke up with sea goddess | Broke adoption privacy laws | Sought out planets for boss to devour | Ran over Cub Scout with a car | Effectuating Lover’s Deathflight | Styling gel abuse (multiple) | Attended fantasy baseball draft | A series of ill-intentioned card swipes | Fatal sisterly knife-fight | Miniature horse gives stallion a blowjob | Evil Jazz Dance |
| Disfigurement | Lab accident scars; totally evil hairline | Curly Alien-German Eyebrows | Someone totally fucked up Helene Bonham Carter | A beard | Full body Freddy-Kruegerism | Birthmark in the shape of a strawberry (multiple) | Cut off Panda’s nose, removed brains | Weird, Pan’s Labyrinth-esque hand-hoof | $64,000 middle finger | Eyeless cleaning lady | Tentacle & barnacle face | Heterochromia | Highly polished though neutered skin | Cliched suburban perma-grins | Painted-on 1930s eyebrows | Metal canine teeth | Hilarious, bet-inspired facial hair | Heterochromia | Birthmark in the shape of Rumania (multiple) | Perforated colon | Lil’ Green Goblin’s Face |
| Awkward Romantic Moment | Sharing a jail cell with Seinfeld’s Puddy | Hugging effigy of your friend, while crazy | Carried away by Centaurs | Parking-lot cockblock | Boy Astronaut on Boy Astronaut wrasslin’ (multiple) | Post-orgy matted fur coat cuddling | Hugged brother while pumping breast milk | She’s my lover, she’s my daughter, she’s a sheep | Hugging Cuban firefighters | haunted webcam liaison | heated romantic exchange between tentacle face and sea goddess | Ned gets cockblocked by everyone and everything | watching the Thing kiss Alicia | Zombie slow dance zapping | “He wanted to play doctor with his instruments” | Sex-changing Irish Spring Soap Commercial | “You know you and I make a great team” | Gouging out your wife’s eyeballs | “Mother’s little tushy!”2 | Whispering math equations to a horse (while naked) | Blacking out, waking up covered in symbiote |
| Ingenious Torture Method | Tying Jim Belushi to a chair | Inexorably rebuild shanty town as a theme park | Flesh-scarring Writing Quill | Shoving a pistol barrel into a bullet-wound | Exposure to 3.5% of the sun’s rays for 30 seconds7 | Sexually taunting closeted Neo-Nazi | Spontaneous 12-tone version of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star | Throwing Mint Jelly at a were-sheep | Sewing your own wounds shut | Beat up by evil fucking hotel room | Boiled alive | Persuasive baked goods | Surfer-drilling | Banishment to something called “The Wild Zone” | The DTs | Giving a live mic to a drunk Russian Vampire | Run time: 129 mins | Helicopter decapitation (multiple) | Codepedent lighthouse painting | Avant-Garde re-enactments | Forcing your rival’s girlfriend to dump him1 |
| Cloying Know-it-all | Girl reporter in Juicy couture tracksuit | Yakuza mentor who tells you how to kill him and get away with it | Hermione, natch | This whole movie revolves around who is the biggest know-it-all! | Space Greenhouse Keeper | Existentialist slut | Born Again Grandmother | Hippie activist named Experience | Canadians | Samuel L. Jackson | Elizabeth Swann | Nancy Drew | Mr. Fantastic | Hunter S. Thompson look-alike | The audience | Golden-skinned Chinese restaurant owner/Chalk guardian | Harold Ramis | Army Medical Officer in Charge | “Chance” Hale of the World Famous Lightbulb Kids | Policeman #1 | Aunt May |
| Sentimental Trinket | Football jersey cum superhero outfit | Sprout that sprouts during credits | Literally moving class photo of parents’ secret society | Walkie-talkie | The Human Species | Tattoo in the shape of a strawberry birthmark | Embalmed Guinea Pig | Dad’s Golden Shears Award Statuette6 | American flags everywhere | Melted dictaphone | still-beating heart in a box | Chinese box | Magic surfboard | Head coffin | Sentiments | Hate-filled tinfoil ball | Invisible engagement ring | All access badge | Aerophone | Bucket of horse porn cds | Engagement ring, locket with urchin photo |
| Home Decor Showpiece | Wall chili | Giant Hamster Statue | Family tree wallpaper | Boba Fett Display | Gold Lam? Spacesuits | Giant painting of a tiger | Giant painting of a straight razor | Still-beating heart in a skinned, suspended sheep | Your sickly parents | Minibar; mini Samuel L Jackson (also: droll alarm clock, crib death painting) | my home is the sea! | Hidden passages galore! | Hologram receptionist | Zombie fuck slave | Whores | Cool-ass wallpaper everywhere3 | Gasmask Bong | Bowl of maggot infested food | Panopticon | Bucket o’ bestiality | Freakish Willem Defoe portrait |
| Pony Blow Job? | Yes. I mean, no. | No | No | No | No | No | No | Yes, if a sheep counts as a pony | No | No | No | No | No | No | No | No | No | No | No | Yes | No |
| What makes you who you are? | Genetic engineering | Fighting your internal demon in a crayon-drawn alternate universe | Not killing killers who deserve killing | “When you do the thing, that makes you that guy.” | We’re all stardust | dude that’s totally unknowable | Duets, and the desire for more duets | Getting bit by a genetically engineered animal | The MAN | “we don’t rattle” | The Pirate’s code | Single-parent households | Cosmic Radiation | Conformity! | Regrets, or lack thereof! | Fathers!4 | Impregnating someone! | Infectious Diseases! | Mothers! | Societel Restrictions! | Choices! |
(1) If only we could use this tactic on TEH TERRORISTS!
(2) Irresistible!
(3) Ornate flocked wallpaper in Great Light Other’s apartment, giant space-shuttle panels in the Kosmos hotel, the interior of a commercial jet, and multiple utility trucks and limosines.
(4) They’re always like, hiring witches to kill you in the womb or thinking they’re doing you a solid by making you a vampire. Can’t you just be a dad for once?
(5) The recording artist in question: Ronald Reagan
(6) Used to deal out poetic justice, natch
(7) But it’s the good kind of torture
Note: Film titles link to reviews by myself and others (including the worthies listed below) on this site and on The Movie Binge, a group blog effort to see and review every new movie released in New York City this summer (space not permitting us to add ALL of these films to this chart).
Thanks to Kyria Abrahams, Matthew Perpetua, Chris Conroy ,Erik Bryan and Colin Rankine
